to the woman who got left…

A man’s worst nightmare is the woman that he left in the dirt.

For she grew..

Let’s start with affirmations:

You are enough. You are beautiful. You are worthy. Only love can reach you. Isn’t it difficult to stay optimistic when you’ve experienced nothing short of let downs? To the girl who let her guard down only to end up heartbroken again, this is for you.

One of the worst feelings in the world is feeling as if you aren’t good enough for someone you love. Once you begin to understand your power, you’ll know that this feeling has nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone simply projecting their insecurities onto you. Sometimes we as women have a tendency to tie our self-worth to a man and soon enough we rely on that same man to validate our beauty. With that comes a consistent need for approval and acceptance, and before we know it, we’ve completely changed ourselves for someone else.

I once read a quote that said “Everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the one who’s worth it.” I agree in a sense. You’ll experience moments where your partner’s actions just downright hurt. However, after expressing that these things have hurt you, there shouldn’t be a second occurrence. You’re not responsible for what happens to you because some things are just beyond your control. You are responsible for healing, building yourself back up, and learning the lesson.

BE WHO YOU ARE, and never apologize for it. The one for you will not expect you to change yourself for him. A man who loves you will accept you for who you are, and will not gaslight or manipulate you into being someone that you are not. I tell my friends all the time that men HAVE to cut the habit of being attracted to a woman for how she is and then expecting her to tone down after getting into a relationship with them. You deserved to be love where you are.

DON’T DOUBLE BACK. You will absolutely experience moments of loneliness and worthlessness, but stand firm. Don’t waste your time trying to prove that you can be a good woman to him. Naturally, we want to know where things went wrong…and that’s okay. But don’t spend so much time analyzing and picking the situation apart. Doing so can lead to vulnerability and you may find yourself trying to breathe life into a dead situation. Don’t be weak, bitch!

DON’T SEEK REVENGE. As my good friend said in his book ‘The Bad Bitch Bible’, LET IT GO, BITCH. There’s an old chinese proverb that says “If you dig one grave, you better dig two.” Getting even is the worst thing that you can do to yourself. Why do you care so much? What point do you have to prove? And to who? Think about WHY you feel the need to get revenge. Let it go. If you’re bettering yourself, be sure that you’re doing it for YOU and not anyone else. You will only make yourself miserable trying to make your ex jealous when he probably doesn’t even care. Don’t compete where you can’t compare.

OCCUPY YOUR TIME. Take this time to call your energy back to you! Return to doing what you loved to do before this relationship ended. Maybe you’ve skipped a few gym sessions because you’ve been caught up in spending time with your lover. You need to occupy your time, and what better way to do it than picking back up old, healthy habits? My favorite thing to do after a breakup is write. I’m not all that great at expressing how i feel in the moment, but paper and pen always help me through. I’m so content with pouring a glass of wine, putting on ‘Chilombo’ and writing my life away. Fill your empty spaces doing things that serve you.

STOP BLEEDING ON OTHER PEOPLE. This is one of my biggest pet peeves! TAKE TIME TO HEAL!!!!!!! After ending one of my most challenging relationships, the very last thing that I wanted to do was look for another. I knew that I was so mentally depleted and just not ready to date. I remember being approached by a really sweet guy and the moment that he brought up the topic of dating my exact words were “That wouldn’t be fair because I don’t have anything to give you.” I didn’t. I was rediscovering myself as a person and couldn’t give anyone anything that I couldn’t even give myself. I completely lacked affection, love, and trust. You HAVE to be mature enough to be selfless. It’s not fair to anyone to have to endure withdrawal and betrayal simply because of what you went through in your last relationship. Stop dating while you’re healing, you’re damaging innocent people.

BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. This is ultimately the meat of this post and the setting for how your life will progress. Take all the time that you need, but don’t forget to build yourself back up. You owe yourself that much. You deserve love, but you have to be ready to receive it. So, he chipped away at your self esteem? BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. He told you that you weren’t beautiful anymore? BUILD YOURSELF BACK UP. You’re not responsible for what he said, but you are responsible for your healing.

So how do you build yourself up?

It’s important to understand that in this situation, what’s good for the goose may not be good for the gander. If you’ve experienced a good amount of trauma, you may benefit from counseling and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I’ll always advocate for anyone to do what’s best for their situation. However, I want to leave you with some takeaways that are sure to bring you some comfort.

1. AFFIRMATIONS. I started this post with affirmations and i’m ending it with the same, because how we speak to ourselves is so critical. When you feed your spirit positivity, you produce positive results. Now, this is not an overnight transformation but consistency and faith is key. One of my favorite quotes from Eintstein says “Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way.” Amazing right? Even more amazing is the truth behind this statement. Our minds are so powerful that just a simple thought can influence our reality. “I am beautiful.” “My body is perfect.” “I am worthy of true love.” “What’s meant for me will never pass me by.” Speak these things, believe them, and watch your life flourish.

2. DO SHADOW WORK. I hope that at this point i’ve convinced you to take time to heal. Along with healing comes shadow work. Just because he left doesn’t mean that you’re flawless. In fact, if you’ve had many failed relationships you’ve probably questioned if anything is wrong with you. Take this time to explore the dark side of yourself that you may not be aware of- your ego and your archetype personality. Ouch, right?! Confront your ego and improve your life. Shadow work simply calls forth the unconscious side of us and seeks to improve it. Use shadow work so that whenever you are ready to date again, you’ll have a healthier understanding of self.

3. REDIRECT THE ENERGY. My greatest productions and publications came after I went through shit. Energy is ever present and never ever dies. I always reference my recently published book when speaking on redirecting energy. My book was not supposed to be a book, it was an experience that I journaled about. Most of you know that I experienced pregnancy loss back in February and after discovering that I couldn’t physically speak about it without getting choked up, I wrote how I felt instead. I wrote about how I felt physically and how I felt mentally. My body went through a lot of changes. I was depressed, paranoid and ended up developing PTSD overall. I laid in bed for a week after it happened and thought about how many women have experienced the exact same thing and didn’t have any guidance. I channeled all of the negative energy I was holding onto and redirected it into helping the next woman and this is how my book was born.

Up above i referenced a book titled ‘The Bad Bitch Bible”, and I want to give you the opportunity to purchase your very own copy. The author, Kristopher Welcome wrote this book with you in mind. Click the link to become a bad bitch today:

If you’re reading, be sure to subscribe to my mailing list for updates whenever a new blog is posted. Thank you for reading!

3 thoughts on “to the woman who got left…

  1. “Don’t be weak, bitch!”

    DAAAAAAMMMMM! Love it!

    Taking care of yourself is absolutely one of the most important parts. Heal thyself, and move forward. The work is exhausting, but well worth it.

    “I experienced pregnancy loss back in February”

    I am so sorry. I myself had a number of them, but it didn’t take me to my knees (it hurt so much I couldn’t breathe sometimes) because I don’t want children. But I remember when my sister had hers. She came crying to my front door, and she didn’t know about mine. I told her, and she was shocked. Turns out the extended family found out quite quickly which irritated her, but she accepted the calls. No one talks about it, but almost everyone in the family had experienced it and we all went through it alone. We all admitted it to her because she came looking, but mostly women stay to themselves.

    To ALL women, you are not alone. It happens more often than you think. Speak to people for support and you’ll find out, more often than not, that they know exactly what you’re going through. You are not now, nor have you ever been the only one that has gone through this. And YOU did nothing to make it happen, and if the man says you did, he’s a fool, and an arse-hole. It was the universe looking out for you. Ditch him and find someone worthy of having a baby with.


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